Bethany's Adventure

At Kevin's wedding in July

2008-08-29T09:32:00.001-07:00

Beautiful Plumeria

2008-08-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

The children of the house

2008-08-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

Striving for balance

2008-05-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

Working with Surgery, life can be crazy even if you aren't directly on the field where the patient is being worked on. It takes a personality that not only can handle the "grossness" that comes with the job, but also one that strives toward personal excellence in their work. I have been told that in this job I am able to keep people calm, or to bring them to that place where they can think more rationally instead of freaking out about things. I think that is something that has been more learned than not, as well as a gift from God. If I allow the severity and the pressure that comes with the job get to me rather than just taking it one step at a time, then my work, my mind is not balanced and cannot perhaps make the wisest, healthiest decision as to where to go from that point.
Brad pointed out to me that in everyday life, however, I have a tendency to over analyze and to let things get to me more than I would at the job. Why is that, I wonder? Why have I yet to really learn the skill and joy in taking life as it comes to me instead of over-emotionalizing it?
I am an emotional creature, both by creation and nature. It's not a bad thing, though it can be out of proportion depending on how I respond to things. Perhaps at work I am able to put those feelings aside more than I am in everyday life and so can function in a manner that is better across the table. This is a goal to be learned in the rest of the compartments of life.
Oh Lord my God, help me to learn balance between emotion and logic in every day that comes to pass. Lord, as it is said in your word, "Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." - Psalm 90:12

A light in the darkness

2008-05-23T10:30:00.001-07:00

May Cruise 2008

2008-05-09T19:10:00.001-07:00

Plumeria tree transplant

2008-04-28T21:04:00.001-07:00

Spring

2008-04-05T09:00:00.001-07:00

purpose and meaning

2007-12-28T16:32:00.000-08:00

If each life separate is part of a greater whole that is life then we are never really alone. If the things we do, though perhaps seemingly meaningless, have an affect on others then your life therefore has purpose, the purpose of making a difference, a change. Whether positive or negative our actions and/or the reaction to whatever comes our way twists and turns life, ours or others, in different directions. No matter the path we seem to tread during our time on earth, it seems to me that we are all in the same story, with the same grand finale to complete the story of human life. If we are all connected in this way, though seemingly separate and disconnected, wouldn't it make sense to assume that just as the story of life began with one beginning, it would end with one ending? Each life has a starting point and a stopping point. With the connection of each of us to the other, even in an indirect manner, the grand whole of all of our lives combined also have one place of origin and one place of completion.
So often I wish my life had some great meaning that would have a positive impact on the lives that come in contact with or that follow my own. When I contemplate life and all the ways we impact others, suddenly meaning is shown in a whole new light. It's not that we did or didn't do this or that, it is as though what we have chosen does in fact make a difference and helps in connecting with the whole of the larger story. If only we could look from an outside perspective, see the stories and be able to grasp that of humanity and the individuals therein, I think we'd have a much greater understanding of the creation of God, and the story of humanity that began and will be complete according to how God has planned for his honor and praise.
In college I had a professor that once described life as all of humanity being on a on a giant ship such as the Titanic. We can do whatever we want on the ship, but no matter what our choice while there, the ship's destination remains the same and is going towards a designation previously ordained. We are all connected in a story with the same beginning and the same ending point, and although we can chose to do whatever we want with our lives, we are all a part of something greater and therefore have purpose and meaning.

Lake Poway, CA fire 2007

2007-10-28T21:15:00.002-07:00

Standing or Flying

2007-09-28T15:46:00.001-07:00

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly."
— Patrick Overton

Three weeks ago today, Brad and I were married. It has been an exciting road and a bit scary to get to this place, but I am glad life has come the way it has and that the sovereign hand of God was over it all. Sometimes I struggle knowing that I can't just stop by and say hi at my parents place, I can't go to the familiar places I know, or hang out with an old friend. However, I know that this is exactly where I am to be and that it is good. I so love my husband, and know he is a gift from God. And I know that over time this will truly become another (temporary) home that I will come to love. God watches over all His children. Does He not take wonderful care of them, providing all they need? He absolutely does.
The quote I began this writing with relates quite well. Though I am not at the edge of all the light I know, for Christ is my light, I am in a completely new place in life, an unknown road, a new town, a new home. As, by God's grace, I follow The Light, I know that "one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or [ I ] will be taught how to fly".

Unless the LORD builds....

2007-05-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Something I've been thinking about these last few days is Psalm 127 which reads, "Unless the LORD builds the house its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise up early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for he grants sleep to those he loves."
It comes down to God being the one to provide what we need. We can do our own thing trying to find food, job, happiness, love, peace, shelter...you name it, but unless it comes from the Lord it's not the quality that it could be, that God would desire or give if we trust and allow his blessing in our lives.

Maggie is growing fast!

2007-03-07T22:49:00.000-08:00

new life

2007-03-05T19:32:00.000-08:00

Remembering the Good

2007-02-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

Why is it that some days and weeks come to us as sweet as spring, and others like the dead of winter? I suppose our lives have seasons in them too. The last couple of weeks have been harder ones for me overall. Though there has been good moments, it seems that we remember the hard or bad more than the smiling ones. Knowing that, I try to reflect on the good.
Sunday I decided to go to the evening service at church as it's a lot less crowded. After a couple of minutes of sitting, a man by the name of William came and sat next to me. The stale smell of cigarettes and alcohol was noticeable, and I wondered if he might be homeless. When I introduced myself and asked him his name, there was a twinkle in his eye, a connection that only seems to be there with fellow believers in the Lord Jesus Christ. It's an unexplainable mystery. During one of the songs we sang, I noticed his hand raised in praise to God, and inside I smiled. After the service, as we walked out, William asked me if I had any money so that he could get something to eat as he hadn't had a bite all day. I thought for a moment, and said, "I don't think I have any cash, but can I buy you dinner?" He responded with a, "Yes. That'd be really nice." So, we headed down the street to MacDonald's.
We talked of his situation and how he got there. Upon having an accident, he lost his job, and soon after his lost his home. The accident caused bleeding in his brain, which in turn causes seizures that come at random. It hasn't been taken care of completely yet, but he says he still has medical. He is just so thankful for a dry place to sleep at night, with blankets to keep him warm.
William said he hasn't been to church in five years, but that it was really nice to go again. He said he knows that he needs to press into God again, and that this was a good experience for him.
I think of these few minutes I spent with him and am thankful, and hope I will get to see him again soon.
So, even when things are rough, even in the disagreement that I had with my boss this week, I know that overall, I have a lot of blessings in my life that I need to remember and praise God for. Tomorrow, could prove to offer the same things to me as it has to this man, but one thing I know, God promises that He will never leave nor forsake us, and we can bank our faith on that.

February refreshment

2007-02-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

A beautiful day in Portland in the middle of February deserves to be spent outdoors enjoying the moment. Maggie and I went up on Mt. Tabor, where many were fast to be friends with the puppy and I. What a wonderful day of walking, playing, and exploring! It was a good moment to get a breath of fresh air, to be refreshed in body and spirit, and to remember the value of life and the beauty that surrounds us. Sometimes we just need to be reminded, especially when our days seem so monotonous with work or school, or whatever is going on in our lives on a regular basis.
I thoroughly enjoy working at the hospital, even if it isn't the most ideal job that I'm in at the moment, but being human, I get burnt out and need a few hours away. That's what I love about Portland. You can travel a short distance outside of the city and you are in new and beautiful scenery. Or, you can do as Maggie and I did today and just explore part of Portland that makes it seem as though you are removed from the ongoings of the city. We need a balance between the normal activities of the day, and a change of pace here and again. Balance really is key in our lives, one that we need to be continually finding and living in.

Now Maggie sleeps, and I think that sounds like the perfect ending to such a great day. :)

Valentine's Day Rain

2007-02-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

My new Puppy, Maggie

2007-02-05T12:27:00.000-08:00

Snow pictures

2007-01-18T12:32:00.000-08:00

Mercy.

2007-01-17T11:25:00.000-08:00

Long for life, for home
Though death calls us to the grave,
The life of the Savior is at work in us to raise us up to life again.

...For what is seen is temporary [= death?]
But what is unseen is eternal [= life] (2 Cor 4:18b)

"Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.
"...so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life." (2 Cor. 5:2-3, 4b)

There is a battle we face every day. It is the battle to choose life over death. It is not simply the physical act that I speak of here, but rather a spiritual battle. Through the grace of God, we have been given the ability to choose life. It isn't something that we can find on our own, but is a gift of God. Though we have been given life through Christ's work on the cross, an eternal security of life, each day we have the opportunity to choose how we will live. Today, will I choose the way of life, or will I choose that which is destructive? It sounds easy, and when we are thinking logically in the right, we know what we would like to believe we'd choose. When reality hits, however, we find that we have an on going struggle with the flesh. Whether we choose life, or we choose destructive ways, whether we have days filled with quiet peace and sunny skies, or cold, dark, wintry seasons, we were created with a desire that longs for home, that longs for life. As humans, we often think we are wiser than we are, or think more or less of ourselves or others and therefore make decisions, whether good or bad, that ultimately is our way of walking down our own path that is not life giving.
Ah, yes. It is very complex, isn't it? As I thought about these things this morning, the word of God came to me. He said this: "I desire mercy not sacrifice." in response, I asked God, "How does this relate with these thoughts about longing for home?"
Then God gently showed me how I was choosing death in my own life. Not just through actions here and there, but on a greater scale of not forgiving myself fully for making destructive choices. Sure I've move on from those things, and God brings healing, but to fully forgive myself (for the past or present destructive choices I make), and not allow the things in my life to have a hold on me is an entirely different thing. Somehow I account for my being in right standing with God by sacrifice of my own personal will rather than on having mercy on myself. God loves me, so why is it so hard to love oneself?
So, what is mercy? Mercy according to the dictionary is, "refraining from harming offenders" and "a disposition to forgive or be kind" or "the power to forgive."
And yet, I am, we are, often so hard on ourselves rather than living in the grace, mercy and forgiveness that we've been given.
Max Lucado said this: "The more we immerse ourselves in grace,the more likely we are to give grace." Where do we find the grace to choose life, the mercy to forgive, and the strength to press onward? In Jesus Christ our Lord. He is the way the truth and the life, and no man comes to the father except through Him.

Notes

2007-01-15T12:11:00.001-08:00

Today, as I sat down with my cup of coffee in hand, I looked over notes I had taken in the past year or so there were a couple of themes that ran through it. I did not realize the consistency of the messages I was receiving until I looked back .
First thing I wrote in this notebook which sums up the consistency is Psalm 32:8
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

And so we begin the journey....
God reminded me in a circular fashion of His love, and more specifically, His love for me, what God desires from His children: faith and the obedience that comes from faith. He showed me of His desire that our eyes would be upon Him, that we would take up our cross and follow him, that we might choose life not death. And the pattern would repeat itself again. LOVE...FAITH...BELIEVING [in His unchanging character]...and FOLLOWING [truth].

Thought of the day

2006-12-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

"Let him deny himself" - deny his independent right to himself, then the real life has a chance to grow. (Oswald Chambers - Matthew 16:24 )

2006-12-10T15:25:00.000-08:00

Irony

2006-11-28T11:29:00.001-08:00

The snow slowly drifts down in a rain of peace. As Sarge and I left the house for a short jaunt, the feel of quiet stillness enveloped us. Small white flakes landed upon us as though smiling at its beauty being enjoyed. Breath of warmth from the inside, and noses of red on the outside, we swiftly made our rounds of the neighborhood.
This is the time of year that can bring such business, and all the while creates a tender joy that is unique to the season. I know for certain it is a busy time at the hospital, and especially the surgical unit where many are trying to get in their surgeries before the new year and for insurance purposes. With days like this where the snow is joining the human on ground, we can find refreshment in smiles.
When I woke this morning, I stood looking out the kitchen window at the silence of a lightly blanketed ground. In the distance an ambulance was heard, and the reality of life, and the fragility therein, brought back to present.
During this season a certain irony is felt and seen. The holidays are being enjoyed as the craziness of shoppers are lining the malls. Snow may fall, and families join together and laugh around a warmly lit fire, while others feel alone, as though a snowflake falling into the silence the forest. Warm tea enjoyed, Christmas lights sparkling, carols being sung, and the hurt of family situations perhaps revisited again.
However, when reflection comes we find that there is so much to be thankful for. Perhaps that is why we should really take hold of the holiday where we are to give thanks. While situations may or may not find us in ideal situations, we need to hold onto what is good and right, and with the continuing of celebration of the following holiday, it is important to hold on to that because it can easily be forgotten.
In my walk through this short life, this season is one of great importance, for it is during this time that my family and I sit down to remember the One that is Good and Right, the One that came to earth two thousand years ago, and brought hope to the lost and dying world.
I know that today I really am thankful...thankful for what is good and right in the midst of what isn't.

The heart issue

2006-11-01T12:10:00.000-08:00

"They [our forefathers] all ate the same spiritual food and drank the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ. Nevertheless, God was not pleased with most of them; their bodies were scattered over the desert.
"Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did. Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: 'The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in pagan revelry.'" 1 Corinthians 10:3-7

Those who came before us were given to us as an example. The Israelites were given the blessing of God's presence and His protection. They partook of the life given through God; they ate and drank of His goodness. When they got up they chose a different path. It is as though they had compartmentalized their lives. Life with God in this section where the blessings and good come from Him as needed, and everything else over here in this section where they take part in doing what they want to do, living the way they choose to live outside of that time with God, with hearts far from Him.
That is the same thing that happens with us today. We may go to church, read the bible during the day, pray.... Then after that part of our life is taken care of we go on to do whatever it is that we should choose, without much of a thought for God as, perhaps without even consciously thinking about it, that part of our lives is taken care of, the duty accomplished.
The problem isn't the fact that we have freedom and we choose to do live out our lives in this matter. The issue is the heart. If we choose to partake of life in a way that is not of God and does not reflect Him, this comes from the heart. If when we spend time with God it is truly life changing, if our hearts really belong to Him, it is seen throughout the rest of our lives.
Jesus describes this as a tree and its fruit. This is what He says:

"No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."
Luke 6:43-45

When our hearts and minds are filled with truth, with God in who He is, even with the questions we have that seem to consume us at times, it comes out in our lives. In Psalm 23 it is described as our cup overflowing. This doesn't mean that our lives will be filled with only happiness and good times if we choose to live our lives following Christ. No. What it does mean is that as we live in this way the result is as Psalm 23:6 describes:

"Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever."

What is goodness and love? Is that speaking of the welfare of humanity? Does that mean that only good things will happen to me? Absolutely not. What is Good? What is Love? Is it not the LORD our God? Is it not His character that is unchanging? Does that not mean that whatever happens in our lives we can put our hope in God and know that one day we will be at home with Him forever? That is the key right there. Where our eyes and our hope lay.
My prayer for my own life, as well as those around me is that, as Psalm 119:171a says, "May my lips overflow with praise".

Faith

2006-10-31T22:12:00.000-08:00

"...the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character has to be cleared in our own minds. ...Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him - I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do. 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.'" - Oswald Chambers

"That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." - 2 Timothy 1:12

This season of life is one in which God has been teaching me a lot about faith on a deeper level. It is a faith that says, "I know what is in man, but I put my trust in and bank my faith in the unwavering character of God rather than on humanity." There is a level of trust that we can and do hold in people, but the problem is the nature within. Even with the best of intentions, people are unable to be always faithful, consistent and true. Only God is that way in His unchanging nature. His is one of love, of faithfulness, of truth.

2 Timothy 2: 11-13 says:

Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.

God cannot and does not change in who He is and how He responds based on a particular situation. He remains faithful to His character. People, even I, am not like that, at least not all the time. That is why we must only, and above all else, bank our faith on the character of God.

Update

2006-10-05T22:27:00.000-07:00

Well, the time has come to move out of the house with my current roommates to live with a very dear friend of mine who has just recently come back from London. I'm really excited about this transition! Teresa is one of my very favorite people in the whole world!
About a month ago, I started working with the youth group at the church I'm a part of, Mosaic and am loving it! I even cut back a day of work so that I can use that time to build into the lives of young people who are dearly loved by God.
Life has brought some sorrow over the years, but overall, I am totally thankful for the good that God has granted as well. Our experiences hold in them a life-altering aspect. They can break us or they can change us into people who reflect ever closer the beauty of our great and wonderful Creator God.
If a picture were to be taken of the span of time I lived on this earth at any given moment, I would want the image to hold in it something beautiful to be pondered, and would cause others to want to make life-giving choices. That is the desire for my life, with the end result would be one that is honoring to the One who deserves all praise and glory...GOD.

2006-09-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

2006-09-20T16:47:00.000-07:00

2006-09-20T16:24:00.000-07:00

Faith means embracing what God has.

2006-09-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

"The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him.
Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you."
(Galatians 3:11-12 - The Message)

Our walk of faith isn't about what WE do, it's about joining God in what HE is doing.
It's about following His lead, not doing our own thing to gain righteousness.
Righteousness comes by faith.
Faith means living with hands open, not striving for control.
Faith means allowing God to drive us forward.
It means going where He sends, and being in the situation He allows.
And it means honoring Him by believing Truth and walking accordingly.

A woman's heart

2006-09-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend at Lincoln City was really good, and really hard. It was a time that forced me to just be with God and not have people (though I wanted it) around me. It made me to look at my heart, my mind, and my actions closer. God and I talked. I told him area of struggle in my life as far as believing goes. In many ways, I've given up because of the root belief that God won't provide and meet my deepest needs in a real way. I figure God is wiser and allows things to happen for a greater purpose. But I find frustration for having my heart and passions and desires go unfulfilled. God fills them, it's true, but there is a longing still there often times.
There was a book sitting at the house I went to this weekend. I picked up and started reading. It's "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. If it wasn't there already, and didn't have the time to read, I probably wouldn't have done so. However, as I did it showed me a reflection of my heart. I've decided to read the rest of the book and see what it has to say.
Here's what it read:

UNSEEN, UNSOUGHT, AND UNCERTAIN

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. it haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.
"After all, if we were better women - whatever that means - life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.
"Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is try harder."

Peace

2006-08-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

There are moments when I find it easier to allow my thoughts to get away with me and even cause worry rather than just resting in peace, realizing that the One who has control does a better job of orchestrating everything than I do, and His way is always good, right, and loving.
If you haven't picked up on it yet, I am greatly encouraged and challenged by the words of Oswald Chambers. Words have always had a way of touching deep in my heart and soul, and mean a lot to me. Praise be to God that we have hope in Him and through His amazing love story that He wrote and lives out in pursuing the one He loves...us.
Being so encouraged once again by the words of another, I pass those along to those who are willing to listen.

______

ARE YOU EVER DISTURBED? - Oswald Chambers
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you." John 14:27
There are times when our peace is based upon ignorance, but when we awaken to the facts of life, inner peace is impossible unless it is received from Jesus. When Our Lord speaks peace, He makes peace, His words are ever "spirit and life." Have I ever received what Jesus speaks? "My peace I give unto you" - it is a peace which comes from looking into His face and realizing His undisturbedness.
Are you painfully disturbed just now, distracted by the waves and billows of God's providential permission, and having, as it were, turned over the boulders of your belief, are you still finding no well of peace or joy or comfort; is all barren? Then look up and receive the undisturbedness of the Lord Jesus. Reflected peace is the proof that you are right with God because you are at liberty to turn your mind to Him. If you are not right with God, you can never turn your mind anywhere but on yourself. If you allow anything to hide the face of Jesus Christ from you, you are either disturbed or you have a false security.
Are you looking unto Jesus now, in the immediate matter that is pressing and receiving from Him peace? If so, He will be a gracious benediction of peace in and through you. But if you try to worry it out, you obliterate Him and deserve all you get. We get disturbed because we have not been considering Him. When one confers with Jesus Christ the perplexity goes, because He has no perplexity, and our only concern is to abide in Him. Lay it all out before Him, and in the face of difficulty, bereavement and sorrow, hear Him say, "Let not your heart be troubled."

We can take Him at His word.

2006-08-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

Jesus replied, "You're right that you only have my word. But you can depend on it being true. I know where I've come from and where I go next. You don't know where I'm from or where I'm headed. You decide according to what you can see and touch. I don't make judgments like that. But even if I did, my judgment would be true because I wouldn't make it out of the narrowness of my experience but in the largeness of the One who sent me, the Father. John 8:15-16 (The Message)

God is faithful and true, and we can take Him at His word. If Jesus is in fact who He says He is, if He did what the Father did and told him to do in His holiness and glory, and if we are to follow the example of Jesus in our everyday living, than our decision making process will be dramatically different. Rather than basing our lives on what we experience, good and bad, we would respond to life based on the largeness of the Father, who is right and true, good and loving in all His ways. We can take Him at His word, and we can trust Him to be all that He is, the Great I AM, in our lives as well.

Mt. Tabor Pictures

2006-08-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

Control

2006-08-06T22:15:00.000-07:00

One day, a few days prior to today, God and I walked along the streets in Portland. We talked about life with each step taken. God showed me areas of my life where I struggle for control. It was a bit shocking to me as I don't see myself in that light. When I think of people with control issues I think of those who drive and have to be in front of another car, or yell to make their point clear. I think of those who have to have the last word in arguments. So to see a way in which I attempt to control my life without even realizing it cognitively on the front of my mind is something new to me. God gave me the ability to love people and to encourage. I don't take that lightly. However, God shined his light on how I at times use that to cause people to respond in a certain way. When you come right down to it, it could be seen in the light of a sort of manipulation. Usually, I'd say that my intentions were sincere, but there are definite times when I am looking to provoke a certain response in people. The problem is motive. Not only that, but people don't always receive what I give to be in the light of an offering of love as it was meant. People have different love languages, and even if you speak to them in that language, too much can prove to be a bad thing.
The theme of the week was exactly that. Control, seeing that I do in fact have issues with that even though I thought it wasn't a problem for me, and beginning to learn what it looks like to let go.
As I got up this morning, an inspiring thought crossed my mind. What if I could get Sarge, my dad's boxer, to pull me on my skateboard? That could be a fun adventure! I continued to get ready for church after envisioning this situation. The service this morning was on the same topic I have been working through this week, and was based off the scripture of James 4:1-12.
"God, you've shown me where I need to let go. So what does that look like?" I asked.
After church, I grabbed my longboard, and my camera, and headed over to my parents house to see if their dog just might be willing to pull me along. It worked! And it was fantastic fun!!
When I got home, I ate my lunch and then headed out on another walk with God around NE Portland. After only a couple of blocks of listening for the voice of God, He spoke to me and answered the question that I had earlier at church. Letting go of trying to have control over areas of my life, and allowing Him to take the lead is like being pulled along by Sarge. We just hold on and go for the ride. Sure we have to move the board under us to miss rocks and cracks in the pavement, but the driving force in our movement is the one in front of us. If we have our hands holding on to something else, such as a heavy ball and chain, while trying to keep balance as we're heading forward, the weight of trying to hold on to something we weren't meant to slows us down and causes unnecessary problems.
If we try to just control our direction and every situation that came across our path, instead of just allowing our selves to go with the One who knows the way, we would soon find ourselves either lost, worn out from exhaustion, or both. However, if we allow our Guide, who already has the terrain marked out, take full leadership we can just go along for the ride and the adventure, finding joy in doing so.
When I think about it, I find it ironic that we, that I would in fact fight for any sort of control. It is like saying that my way is the best, when I don't even know the way to go, or how to find fulfillment in pleasure, in life. Even if I should find a road that would give me temporary control and happiness, it leaves me longing for more. It's a hell of sorts. Having a passion and desire that can never be fully met, and yet not letting go to find that we can have everything we've ever hoped for by humbly giving up control.
God gave the answer to the question at hand. How do we let go and let Him? By just holding on to the cord that connects us to our Master, planting our feet on the wheels that move us forward in faith, and allowing God to fill our hearts, minds, and lives with fulfillment as He takes the control that ultimately belongs to Him anyway. We don't know where we're going. He does.
"What matters is to listen to [God], to let ourselves be guided, to face up to the adventure to which He calls us, with all it's risks. Life is an adventure directed by God." -Paul Tournier
Lord, "Teach us to number our [my] days aright, that we [I] may gain a heart of wisdom." (Psalm 90:12). I give to you full contol, Lord. Be honored in that, I pray. Bring me anything that brings You glory.
...Not my will, but yours be done. Amen.

The brave comradeship of God - Oswald Chambers

2006-08-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

"Then He took unto Him the twelve." Luke 18:31
The bravery of God in trusting us! You say - "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing in me; I am not of any value." That is why He chose you. As long as you think there is something in you, He cannot choose you because you have ends of your own to serve; but if you have let Him bring you to the end of your self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the fulfilment of purposes which He does not discuss with you.
We are apt to say that because a man has natural ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues of strength of character, knowledge, and experience - all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing that avails is that we are taken up into the big compelling of God and made His comrades (cf. 1 Cor. 1:26-30). The comradeship of God is made up out of men who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the man who thinks that he is of use to God. As Christians we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out for the cause of God, which can never be our cause. We do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens. We must never allow anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get injured we must take time and get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is being continually assailed.

inside

2006-08-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

After writing that last entry I have to say that it was hard to hold my attention while reading it, and I wrote it! It was something I hadn't thought much about since I started college quite a long time ago, so revisiting it was intriguing to my thoughts. So, I wrote them down for everyone who cares enough to do so to read those thoughts. If any of you made it all the way through it, good job!
You know, a blog is where we put down our thought, the happenings of the day, anything and everything that we would want to take outside of our head and share with people. So, I don't regret long postings such as the last. If someone wants to get a bit inside another's head, all they have to do is read. What comes out of a person is what is inside. If there is anything good and worthwhile in me it is on account of God, my creator, my savior, my wonderful best friend.

Religious pluralism, inclusivism and exclusivism

2006-07-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

C. S. Lewis said that, "If you are a Christian you do not have to believe that all other religions are simply wrong...you are free to think that all these religions even the queerest ones, contain at least some hint of truth. He also said that, "being a Christian does mean that where Christianity differs from other religions, Christianity is right and they are wrong. As in arithmetic - there is only one right answer to a sum, and all the answers are wrong: but some of the wrong answers are much nearer being right than others."
John 14:6 says, "Jesus answered, 'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'"
Acts 4:12 reads, "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved."
Also, 1 John 5:11-12 explains, "And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. "
This would make me what is called an exclusivist. I believe that salvation is found in Jesus Christ (alone), and without Him all are lost in their sins. God's Word in the Bible says that there is no other name, under heaven, by which we must be saved. Based on the understanding already attained, man could not live up to the light of general revelation and save himself through the god he believes in. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is a gift from God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9.
Concerning sharing the gospel with those who hold to the belief that people can be saved through the general revelation, what they know to be true based on their surroundings, their understanding of God, what would be the point of telling them of the life they can have through Jesus Christ if what they know already is enough? I believe that man, in his heart, is innately wicked, prone to wondering, prone to sin, with a hole inside that only God can fill, and therefore needs God. Man cannot save himself. It is only through His Son that we have life, hope, and are made into new creations.
The problem with other religions, though they may have elements of truth in them, is that they don't hold the whole truth. The one they follow is not God. They follow one who didn't and couldn't raise from the dead to save our sins, or they try to live up to a standard of life that is accomplished by works, in which ultimately we can never be good enough. Only God is perfect. Our perfection as human beings come through Jesus Christ's atonement for us. He redeemed us when we were lost in our sins. Even the "good" person cannot be saved based on that alone. It includes belief. In Romans 10:9-10 it says, "That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."
There is a party of people that are religious pluralists. These are people who believe that there are a vast number of people and different faiths by which they live, and in that we all have something of similarity in our beliefs, our destinies are intertwined and there is more than one way to reach heaven. They believe that, "Despising the religions of other people and claiming superiority for ones own can be a form of racism." Those within this party would say that there are, "fundamentally different answers to the problem of existence;" that even though we may not all believe exactly the same thing we will all reach the same goal and will have answered the problem of existence.
However, I believe that man's destiny is not intertwined. Man is not good, only God is, and deserves death. Just because a person follows a god does not mean that they will be saved...For there is only one way, one truth, one life. All those who don't follow that way will be (sadly) condemned and die. Those who do believe and are saved by His amazing grace will live forever with Him in heaven. One other thing that C.S. Lewis (who actually was an inclusivist...I'll touch on that in a moment) said was, "truth must surely involve exclusions." Truth means believing that one thing is right and the other things are wrong. There may be aspect's about a person's belief that are right, but if they don't follow after the most important fact, Jesus Christ's (who was completely God, and completely man) death and resurrection for our sin's payment. And don't believe that what the bible says is true, there is no hope for that person. God loves us. He wants all mankind to be saved.
Back to what Inclusivisim is: It is the basic assumption that the "unevangelized may be saved if they respond if faith to God based on the revelation they have." They hold that those who have never heard of Jesus Christ, or the salvation that they can have in Him, can still be saved based on what they know through the revelation they already have; that people, if they follow what they believe is God, than they will be saved because of their faith in it. "One of inclusivism's key assumptions is the belief that general revelation is sufficient to bring people to salvation."
It is true that we are all included in God's salvation plan, that He died for all of us. However, we have to receive and open that gift in order to have it. There is only One God, only One who gives life. Though other religions may have elements of truth in them, there truly is only one way that we can be saved. All roads don't lead to heaven. The sad fact is that most roads lead us away from Him.
God loved us so much that He was willing to die for us. What other religion has a God who would be so humble and gracious towards people who stubborn and like sheep, have gone their own way?

A sauna makes me thankful for work.

2006-07-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

Work is always a blessing...though not always something I want to go to everyday.
Today I found a new reason to be glad to work...an air conditioned building! Now, I certainly don't mind the heat. Yesterday's 104 degrees was bearable. Today's 90 something wasn't so much. The reason being was the humidity, and today beats yesterday by FAR. It makes you feel all sticky, and even if you are just sitting there in the protection of some form of shade, sweat begins to come out of your pores. Ewww!
As soon as I walked out of the hospital at 11:30 tonight, which is when I worked until, it felt like I was literally walking into a sauna! A short time later I arrived home. I pulled my glasses out of their container, which I put them in while leaving work, and no joke! They fogged up because of the temperature difference!
All that to say that if for no other reason that work is at times a blessing, right now it is so because of the air conditioning!
Thank you Lord!

Intently

2006-07-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

"But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it -he will be blessed in what he does." James 1:25

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."
After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight.
They were looking intently up into the sky as he was going..." Acts 1:8-10

Blessing comes when we look intently into the perfect law that gives freedom. Isn't it almost ironic that we should receive freedom from something that has set up "rules", a law? I don't think so. Perhaps it would be true with all other laws, but God's law is perfect, as is He. He didn't give it to put restrictions on us, but to help us find Him. Therefore it was an act of love, because He is the beginning and the end. He is the reason for existence, and the hope for eternity. When we look intently to the law, we are looking intently to God and in God is found freedom.

Before He left, Jesus proclaimed that His children would receive power when the Holy Spirit came on them, and they would be His witnesses...of the perfect law that gives freedom. As He was taken up, the people looked intently into the sky where Jesus was found. That is what we are to do as well. Not necessarily looking up into the sky in a literal sense, but looking intently to our freedom, to Jesus. Looking intently at Jesus, obeying Him and doing what His Word says results in blessing, though that blessing may come in a different form than we expect. In that, in Him we will find freedom in being intent and intentional in seeking out Wisdom. And in Him we have the power to be who He has called us to be, to be obedient and to be His witnesses as we travel this earth for the short time we are here.
God has called me. I must go forth, allowing for Him to reveal the road as is fitting that I should see, and granting me the strength to press onward towards the goal.
May His Name be honored!

Beauty

2006-07-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

Beauty can be found if closely we look. Often times the details go unnoticed as we rush through the moments and the days. We forget how much God has given to us unless we take the time to be still, and with eyes open wide take the time to see what is around us. Like the flowers, we too have much beauty. It is found only after the soil has allowed us to set in roots to grow strong, the rain has poured love to drink in, and sunlight has given the vitamins necessary to exude the likeness of the one who creatively made us who we are, making a beautiful masterpiece of our lives. We only become that for which we are created if we allow the processes of life to refine and build us up, taking hold of the truth of the image of the one in which we were created. Alone, we are but seeds.

2006-07-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

Damp, the summer ground drinks in. Stillness envelops the area, the only sound to be heard is the song of God's creation. As a gift, light twinkles in the eye of the beholder.
Days pass, one on the heels of the other, racing towards the end. No amount of pushing or stopping in the human realm can change the course of history. Observation made can, however, fill the life with wonder, sadness, rejoicing, hope.
Softly love comes, comforting as a white cloud in a blue sky. The burn of heat suddenly shaded as though covering a little one under the shadow of it's wing. Protected, cared for, watched over, freedom is found. Freedom to run and play. Freedom to be and give. Knowledge of being held when it seems as all energy is spent and all that remains is to lay down in the hand of One who gives rest and makes new.

2006-07-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

Sun shine bright upon my face.
Wind blow a touch of cool.
Refresh the body,
Renew the mind,
Bring songs of joy into the heart.
Look up into the sky,
See the dancing of creation as life is given to mortality.

Be still and know that I am God....

Grace by Stavesacre

2006-07-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

From the album "How To Live With A Curse" by Stavesacre is the song "Grace".
Think(ing) about the words:

Lyrics:
When I was a mountain, strong with stone, silver and gold
Strip-mined wildly, spent it all
Leaving only stone

(Chorus)

But Grace, are You hangin’ on for me?
Tell me it’s true, You still do
Come back around this way

When I was Your lover – passionate and bright as the stars
Left You for the least of whores
Broke Your precious heart

(Chorus)

“Oh, I’ve been standing right here, all along.

My dear, I’ve been standing right here
Ever as before
Oh, I want nothing more than you
Stay please, come back to My arms and
Rest your weary head,
Don’t ever leave again,
Beloved.”

(Chorus)

Grace
Grace –

“Oh, I’ve been standing right here all along.”

Stepping Forward

2006-07-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

The exploration has begun on a wider road once again. Listening to the advice of my friends, I have been asking God what it is that He wants me to do, where it is that I am to step next in this fleeting life. It's interesting to have a passion for one thing, go to school for it, and then find that a few years later the direction is beginning to take on new roads, unanticipated scenery.
You see, these last few years I've been working full time to pick away at my student loans so that I can work overseas with youth. I still very much desire that, however there is a possibility to take the opportunity to learn more along the way. Baseball great Yogi Berra said, "If you come to a fork in the road, take it." That doesn't exactly give much direction, does it? No, but I'm going to keep stepping forward knowing that God will lead and direct as He shows the path, banking my faith on the character of God that doesn't change. He we can trust.
School seems to be a very viable option for me to pursue knowledge that can take me forward. Over and over again, I have been encouraged to look at the option of going back to school. This would be not just to gain some unnecessary knowledge and unwanted debt, but because God has given me a good mind to use, and so therefore I should be continuing to expand my horizons. Perhaps somehow God will put together the dream of working with youth with the skills to meet their physical needs. I really believe in a holistic ministry, meaning meeting the needs of the whole person, physical, spiritual, mental. In fact, that was the subject of my final 20 some page paper in college. Doesn't it make sense that I should pursue a field that would contribute to making that belief become possible? I don't know how or when or if God is going to put things together, but I am going to walk with Him, by His grace, daily seeking what He may hold for tomorrow and yet living for today. Our lives pass before our eyes and if I can be used by God to do anything while on this earth, it is to make a difference in people's lives, and not just any difference, but a life changing difference.

A quote to sum up what I'm thinking and the path I want to take:

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!" -Emerson

Rafting Adventure

2006-07-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

This last weekend was spent rafting down the Deschutes river with a great group of people! It was a group that composed of six of the team members that are going to Rwanda this summer, a sister of one of the team members and myself, an honorary rafting adventurer. We had a fabulous time of playing in the water, as well as reading and talking about God, and enjoying donuts to celebrate Drew's 21st birthday!

Tears. Tears are good.

2006-06-28T22:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight I cried. The emotions are still somewhat fresh, and prompted I probably could cry pretty easily now also. So what happened? Good question.
In a previous post I wrote about joking with the balance of wisdom in the midst of it. Often we play off each other at work, though it is also easy to get carried away with it. There was an inside joke going on that all but one, maybe two people understood that were present tonight. The one that didn't understand also has other underlying issues going on that I won't go into here as it's not my place to share. As a few of us were joking with another co-worker tonight, there was one that got very upset and we had to have a discussion, a group of us with the supervisor, one irate at the rest of us.
Usually my emotions are in check, especially with the medication I take to help balance me out, but tonight after it was over I just couldn't hold in the tears. I had to leave the department. None of what happened tonight was the real reason for her anger and frustration, but her misunderstanding and our lack of wisdom perhaps set it off. She said some low, mean things to us, to me. It hurt, one, to be brought in to this whole mess and then two, to be told that even though we're (I'm) supposedly "educated", (which I do have a degree, but that doesn't mean I know everything or cease to be human) are acting this way, in a way that only (apparently) uneducated people act. Mostly it hurt because though it is "her" issue, it's mine as well. No, I can not be responsible for how another person responds or reacts, but I can be above reproach, Lord willing, in my actions. It hurts to know I added to a fire even though it wasn't meant.
People all around us look through different lenses. It's easy to get caught up in our own vision of things, but there are different ways of looking and approaching things, approaching life.
So, a bit afterwards I went to take my last break for the day. In the break room was the one I wasn't yet ready to see after crying. So, I grabbed my things from the break room, and went to my locker. There I sat on the bench and said, "God, what do I do? I'm not ready to face her yet, but I just don't know what to do." You know what God told me? He told me, "Go talk with her". I didn't think I was ready, but went anyway because God is wise, not me. Back in that break room, I sat across from her and said, "I'm sorry for offending you." or said something to that affect, but though I thought I could be strong, I broke down again. We talked, and I think God was able to restore what was broken. She cried too and embraced me, which was priceless. The others were still upset, and now I'm in the middle between the parties, but the tears were good. Why? Tears were good because humility is good, and I want to be broken so that I can be filled with God alone who makes our lives complete. Tears are good, because if we allow them, they can change us into better, wiser people. Tears are good, because the Lord can use them to bring reconciliation.
I can't make the things in the one we upsets heart and mind to be where it should be, and to grow in this. However, I can change so that I can be Christ, or reflect Christ to her too. Even if I didn't do anything necessarily "wrong", I still can be conformed more into the image of God and therefore, with God's grace, reflect Him ever more.
Author Anne Lamott said this:
"The thing about light is that is really isn't yours; it's what you gather and shine back. And it gets more power from reflectiveness; if you sit still and take it in, it fills your cup, and then you can give it off yourself."

That's exactly it! The thing is that if I want to reflect Christ I need to be in His presence, because "it's what you gather and shine back". He is light, and in Him is found no darkness. I want to reflect light, His light!

2006-06-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

Erika and I had a great time hiking Multnomah Falls today! There were many with like minds who thought to go out on this beautiful day, but it didn't put a damper on enjoying God's creation as well as enjoying each others company. It was absolutely beautiful out there!
What a a great day!

Multnomah Falls

2006-06-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

Exciting times!

2006-06-20T10:44:00.000-07:00

My good friend Teresa is in town this week for her brother's wedding. There was a little get together last night at Acapulco, a Mexican restaurant, in which I got to hang out with Tree again. It was great that I got to sit next to her even coming late after I got off work, 'cause that meant more opportunities to really hang out with her, even have a conversation, which in group settings isn't always possible. We laughed and had a lot of fun!
Teresa and I were roommates a few years back. In fact, a lot of the people at the gathering were former roommates of Teresa from one time or another. Across from us sat another girl who moved into the apartment with Teresa and I while I was still there. Jessica said to us some thing along the lines of, "This is great! I haven't seen you guys together in a long time! Nothing's changed!" Well, that isn't entirely true. We've both changed a lot over the years, but whenever we get together it is though time and distance haven't separated us at all. It is so great to have friends like that! I am so thankful for Teresa and her faithful friendship all these years!
On another note, recently I got a new camera. It's a Canon Rebel XT. It's incredible! As I was sitting here writing, a few of the pictures that I ordered online from my camera came to the door. They are really great!! I can't even believe how good they are!! I had two pictures enlarged. One was of my dad and I from work last week, the one I posted for Father's Day on this blog. The other was of that flower that is also posted in an earlier blog. The flower is TINY, but even with the enlarged picture, the quality is great! I'm so excited! :) Yay!

Happy Father's Day!

2006-06-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

I LOVE YOU DAD!!!!!

Food for Thought.

2006-06-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

"I have never met the man I could despair of
after discerning what lies in me apart from the grace of God." -O.C.

Cutest little sister ever!

2006-06-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

Chirp!

2006-06-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

This little bird was stuck in the ladies bathroom in Ireland. He was where he wasn't supposed to be. Meant to be outside flying, he found himself restrained by a building made by humans.
This morning at 3 am, "chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp" was heard outside my window. A couple of minutes later, "chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp." And again, "chirp, chirp, chirp". The bird must have found reason to sing, though an odd hour it was. The darkness of night still covered Portland.
One thing I've noted over the years is that as soon as the sun goes down, the birds cease their songs for the night, but the moment the light appears again in the morning, so too they begin on their day. Night is not the normal time for birds to be singing. So, I found this a bit intriguing that the birds would be singing at this odd hour, and so listened to them for a while.
In the last couple of years, I have really come to love the verse that talks about God's care and about worry, showing the birds as an example of God's provision and love.
Matthew 6:26 says this:
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? "
Luke 12:24 says the same thing, only instead of asking a rhetorical question, it states it with an exclamation. It says, "And how much more valuable you are than birds!"
As the birds chirped their song in the early am, I remembered two things. One, how they are inclined to sing with the light, and two, how they are examples of God's love, care, and provision.
When we look to God, we find He is light and is surrounded by light. No darkness is found in him, or near Him. When we see Him in the greatness of who He is we too, like the birds can't help but sing, sing songs of praises to the God who created us, loves us, saved us, and brought us into a right relationship with Him, for HIS honor and glory, which is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing!
God, even in the greatness of who He is, takes care of the little things, even the mortal which are here today gone tomorrow. As He cares for the birds, He cares for us. We are so much more valuable than birds, so we can rest in the fact that God will take care of all our needs, that He loves us, and we have nothing to worry about. Who of us by worrying can add a single hour to his life anyway?
So, let us sing out songs of thanks and praise to the one who is worthy...even at an hour where it seems out of place, as it never is so as we see God in the light of who He really is! He is the great
"I AM".

He makes all things beautiful in its time.

2006-06-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

Soaking in his love.

2006-06-05T13:13:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite songs is Always by Hillsong United. In it there is a line that says (in speaking to God), "Can I feel you in the rain?" As I listened to this song this morning, instantly an image came to mind from six years ago in July.
On that day in Paris, the rain started coming down in the middle of the afternoon. It was one of those storms where the sky suddenly is dark and the water is falling around you so hard and so fast that you can't see more than a few feet ahead. I got really excited about the downpour, and went running down the street, getting more and more soaked with each step. It was absolutely marvelous! However, after running about a block I stopped. It was as though God was saying to me in an audible voice in that moment, "I am showering down my love on you," letting me get drenched in it. I looked up in the sky with the rain running down my face and was amazed and awed.
I've never forgotten that moment. Even with the dark seasons that were to face me ahead, the message that God gave to me that day helped me to walk forward knowing that His love was there to guide me even when I felt completely lost and alone.
We can experience him in all of life, in the sunshine, in the rain, in the darkness, in the light. We can never go where He cannot find us. He is with us always, showering down his love in an outpouring of his heart and the greatness of who He is.

This is a copy of the lyrics to the song that was mentioned at the beginning:

Always
Hillsong United

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked
With my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

Chorus:
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You
Capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives
To glorify one name?

Tree!

2006-06-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of an incredible woman, Teresa, and I on the last day I was in Richmond (London). She is my favorite Teresa in the whole world!!!
Today, we got to chat for a while, and it was refreshing to connect with her. I just want everyone to know how wonderful she is and how much I love this sister of mine!

Stretch!

2006-06-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

Seems to me that even when I know what I'm asking God to do in my life, and know what that can mean, when it actually happens I am thrown off balance.
Here's what happened: I asked God to stretch me and grow me, specifically in the area of trust because I know that there is room for growth there. So, what happens? Exactly that! Being fully aware of the "consequences" of what I was asking God, I asked him anyway. In the end I'm sure I'll be stoked, but right now it makes me wonder how I'm going to make through this stretching in one piece. It kind of hurts a bit. So, now I'm asking God for more joy in this process. Somehow, I know he'll provide that too. He gives his peace, and as we learn to let him take control instead of letting ourselves worry, that peace is experienced more in full in our humanity.

God First- Oswald Chambers

2006-05-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

Put God First in Trust. "Jesus did not commit Himself unto them . . . for He knew what was in man." John 2:24-25
Our Lord trusted no man; yet He was never suspicious, never bitter, never in despair about any man, because He put God first in trust; He trusted absolutely in what God's grace could do for any man. If I put my trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone; I will become bitter, because I have insisted on man being what no man ever can be - absolutely right. Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else....

Put God's Trust First. "And whoso receiveth one such little child in my name receiveth Me." Matthew 18:5
God's trust is that He gives me Himself as a babe. God expects my personal life to be a "Bethlehem." Am I allowing my natural life to be slowly transfigured by the indwelling life of the Son of God? God's ultimate purpose is that His Son might be manifested in my mortal flesh.

Pagans in a crisis

2006-05-30T08:35:00.000-07:00

In Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest he says this:

"We act like pagans in a crisis, only one out of a crowd is daring enough to bank his faith in the character of God."

The one thing that is unchanging is the character of God. Do I bank my faith on the character of God? As I continued to think about this, and explore passages of scripture about trust, I started reflecting on different areas of trust in my life. Sure I can trust God's character, but I don't trust the faithfulness of people or their consistency. I know all too well that people are floundering. Like a fish out of water, they twist their bodies one way and then another looking for the source of life. You can't trust that they will stay in one spot unless they lose their life completely. The whole time they are out of water, they are looking for it in order to live and breathe.
As I was talking with God about how I don't trust the consistency of people, he said to me, "Do you trust me? Do you believe that I am faithful to you?" I had to stop my ranting, and think for a moment. "Yes, God you have always been faithful to me. Your character has never changed. So, yes Lord, I trust you." People aren't trustworthy, but God's character is.
Funny how one moment we go from uncertainty, to peace, to questioning again. As I was filling up my coffee cup after this conversation with God I started thinking about how I would respond in a crisis of sorts, how I would react to certain situations. I realized there that I didn't really trust God like I should either. I waver from moment to moment even though I know of and have experienced God's faithfulness, and bank too much on people even though I know the tendencies of mankind, including myself, and find myself hurt now and again by them. Here then, is an area to grow in.

God, grant that I might have more faith, unwavering faith in you.
You alone are trustworthy.

Works of words.

2006-05-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

In times gone by, I wrote to process life. It wasn't your normal journaling, but was rather a complexity of poetic description of life, allowing thoughts and pen to return to a place where Hope could be seen again. Every now and again, I still pick up a pen and begin to spell out a few words. Anymore, it's not to work through, or think about life and God, but a way to bless people. Words have always meant a lot to me, and I know that they can be used to bless others.
I just pulled out a book of my writings while in college. It's funny to remember writing some of the things that were created, others not so much, and yet to be able to become reflective again while reading them.
My parents seem to think that I have some kind of gift or ability in writing. If it's true, it would be good to write more. The problem is that I often don't feel that I have anything to write about, that I need a reason or inspiration to compose a work of words. How do you write when you aren't motivated, or when you feel as though you've lost that part of you, the ability?
Well, maybe God can still use me even if, or even though, I find myself where I am. He moves us forward, in whatever means that looks like, in order that His name might be honored.

Building up in Christ

2006-05-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight on my last break at work I went up to the hospital chapel. There in the quiet, I bowed my head in recognition of the greatness of who God is. His gentle holiness surrounded me as a hug, and it was as though the reality of talking with God seemed much more touchable and real. God is amazing and yet, for whatever reason, we can always come to him and share exactly what we are experiencing, walking through, struggling with. Good or bad, he welcomes our us in His presence. Amazing isn't it? I always seem to be amazed at the peace that follows after talking with God, or with just sitting in His presence. It really is what the bible calls "a peace that passes all understanding."
Today I shared a bit of my story over e-mail about some of the struggles I've faced and how God has worked in them and through them. Perhaps the issues themselves were even allowed in God's sovereignty to make me more into who God is making me to be. Sometimes I look at others and it seems that more often than not things just seem to happen for them, that they are blessed, and I'm not to the same degree. It's not true however. I think that God really works on refining those whose hearts truly belong to Him. He must love me an awful lot to continue to refine me though I make a mess of things over and over again.
On June 7th of 2000 while in Portugal, I wrote the following:
"In the Old Testament God puts so much detail into how He wants His dwelling place to be built and then goes into so much detail concerning how they actually did build it. My question is this: Since now the body of Christ is where God dwells, [within the people themselves rather than a building] has He/does He go into such great detail and care in constructing us, making us beautiful and Holy?
"He must care an awful lot."

So, basically my answer to that question then as well as now is yes. God does go even to the depths of who we are, working on all the details of our lives that we might reflect Him in a more beautiful way as His light shines down upon us and through us.
For this I am thankful.

Playing vs. Wisdom

2006-05-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

This week has been an interesting one. I've been reading through Proverbs in the Message version of the bible, asking God to bring me back to living more consistently with that way of life. It really is hard to be a part of this world, to be influenced by those around us who may not, and usually don't share what we believe to be true, and yet to be primarily influenced by the wisdom that God gives us through His word.
At work, I have over the last year or so, allowed the part of my personality to come out that is full of joking and having fun. There is nothing wrong with that, especially when it doesn't get in the way of what needs to get done. However, it isn't wise when it is a way to get attention, laughs, or whatever it may be, and when playing has little balance with being mature then this is an area to be looked at and addressed according to wisdom.
So, I've been working on this area of my life specifically the how and when of playing at work. It seems that when we joke around, kindness can easily find it's way out the door. Words reflect what's going on inside, and I want to reflect the Lord. I want to be wise in my speech, in my communication and actions with others, and I want to reflect Ephesians 4:29 which says:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
AND
Psalm 19:14
"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

The week has been interesting in trying to live these verses, because when you have lived in a manner that has been different, more comical and less edifying, it's hard to change when people expect and provoke you to respond in a particular way. When they know you as one thing, but you are trying to be different, and wiser in this case, than you have been then those who know you don't know how to respond or just think that something's wrong.
By Friday I was so tired from the week, and from working on this that by the end of the night, I just put in ear plugs. They went in my ears because I needed to refocus on what was important, and did so because I found it increasingly frustrating to work on this part of my life after being worn down from the week and the people around. It wasn't at all that I didn't care about those around me. Quite the opposite is true! I care deeply about my co-workers.
Perhaps as time goes by, the expectations of people will change and though I can still have fun, I will have, LORD willing, more kindness and words that encourage and build up, with grace for the moment and what is at hand in the mix of everything. Or, there is always the possibility of opting back to old behavioral patterns. I pray that the latter is not true!
I love to laugh, I really do. In fact I have a flower on a chain that sits around my neck always. It's the Plumeria flower, a flower which in Hawaii means happiness. As humans, and probably more specifically as Americans, we tend to live for the goal of happiness, of being happy, of doing what will create that in our lives and help us experience that. God, as a loving father, delights in us being happy, but not when it means living according to our own will rather than in wisdom. When He disciplines it's because we were created to be something that we have walked away from, and so out of His love he teaches us the way that we should go. Sometimes, often perhaps, we say, "screw you, Lord" (figuratively speaking of course), and we go our own way, even if this is a subconscious decision. We end up finding ourselves in darkness. God still is lovingly pursuing us, and though we may find consequences to our actions that are unpleasing to us, it is a result of what we have sown. He would never turn away a soul that sought him, that sought life and forgiveness. Even with that said, He is loving, and wants us to be who we were called to be. If we choose to live in our nature that is contrary to what He'd have, he may still pursue us, but He gives us the freedom to make the choice, whatever choice that may be.
Oswald Chambers said this in regard to this passage of the Bible:
"That you may know the hope to which He has called you...."
Ephesians 1:18
"Remember what you are saved for - that the Son of God might be manifested in your mortal flesh. Bend the whole energy of your powers to realize your election as a child of God; rise to the occasion every time."
That is exactly my aim in trying to work on being wise, which will only come from God's grace poured into my life. The goal is that Jesus would be manifested in me, and that I might reflect Him. Oh, how I need His grace, and love in my life!

Prepared Uniquely

2006-04-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

This week I bought new running shoes for inspiration, and actually joined a gym! No kidding! Ok, yeah, I try to keep up with running or keeping somewhat in shape. However, beyond working out at the gym in college, I've never been a part of something like this. The truth though, paying the money, having classes available, and having someone to pursue the workout with me from time to time, helps in getting me moving! No joke! I can't even believe the difference! It seems I now have more reasons to work out! We can all use a little inspiration now and then. :)
In case you didn't already know, I hurt my feet in a fall down the stairs during my last full day in London that resulted in some interesting "woundage", as I like to call it. I now have one less toenail. It's not just any toenail, it's the big one on my left foot! Don't you wish you could see it?! Anyway, the good thing is that it doesn't hurt, or affect my working out more, though it is not pretty to look at!
At about 2:45am last night, or rather this morning, I got multiple phone calls from my friend Trevor who lives down in southern California. He called me over and over again. With the reasoning that I wasn't very awake, and that he was thousands of miles away, even an emergency was not something I could help out with. So, I turned off my phone after he tried calling five times in a row. I know! I feel like a terrible friend, but at the same time, I know that there's nothing I could really do for him at that time, and so decided to call him during the daytime hours.
At the church I'm a part of, Mosaic, we finished off the wisdom series that we were going through. Today they talked about family, and all that goes into that with needing wisdom. Where does wisdom come from? The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom. Anyway, it was very fitting with Trevor's phone call, which I found out after calling him back after lunch. He was having issues with his family, so I was able to turn the message that I heard at Mosaic right around and talk with him about it. Isn't God good in preparing the way?
Sometimes I find it hard to believe just how much God has His hand in our lives. What would cause God to even give a second look our direction? It must be love beyond anything we have ever known....
This week I am going to be teaching a new employee. I know my supervisor has confidence in me and knows I do a good job, and so that's why I am to train. However, it slows me down having to think through, be more specific with the tasks to accomplish, and explain what needs to be done. It's humbling. I don't mind teaching, it just depends on what I'm teaching, and if I actually have time to teach. So, doing so at work means I actually have to take a breath and slow the process down, working primarily as an example. Needless to say, I'm glad to do the job, and yet it's hard at the same time. I'm ok with teaching, but it's not my favorite thing in the world.
The older I get the more I realize how God really did make us each individually unique. We were all created with special abilities, giftings that were given to us so that we could work as a whole. If we all had the same abilities, where would that get us? For that I am grateful! And again, it makes me remember just how much thought and love God put into the process of creating us! He really must love us an awful lot!

Awake!

2006-04-17T03:31:00.000-07:00

It's 3:30am and I'm awake! Jet lag is a real stinker! I took some Tylenol Pm to help me sleep through the night, but I'm still up early!
The flight home was ok. The first 3/4ths of the trip, my flight from London to Minneapolis was fine. There was a guy named Farhan next to me who I got to talk with. He is a man of indian (as in from India) decent, who has an Arabic name. His accent is very slight and is actually only from growing up in Arkansas! He is from a Muslim family, though is not religious and had never met anyone who had gone through a bible college and pursued the same kind of degree as me, so he was intrigued.
Then I sat gimpy in the airport on the six hour layover. I had hurt my feet by falling down the stairs on Friday, so was unable to do much walking without pain. Don't worry, I'm ok now. It was just hard to sit for most of another six hours waiting for the trip into Portland. Then my plane was delayed 20 minutes.... Traveling can be such an adventure, in all it's good and bad forms!
Got home to find my car broken into. Good thing there was nothing valuable for the guy to steal in the car and that he was unable to take my car without permission!
Though, with all the good experiences, these were just minor details. If that was the worst of this trip, than I really have NOTHING to complain about! It was great!!

Didn't know they were in England....

2006-04-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, ok let's see.... So much has happened in the last two days! Teresa and I went to the changing of the guard yesterday and then bought tickets to see Les Miserables! It was ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!!! Needless to say we had a lot of fun!!
Then today we took a day tour out to Bath and Stonehedge...both of which I didn't realize were in England! Yeah, I know, not very bright of me! But it was really cool!!!! Stonehedge was great(!), but I think I was a bit more intrigued by Bath, and all the history that goes along with it!
Tomorrow is our "do whatever we feel like" day in which we'll just have fun without trying to get out and "see something" in particular.
Saturday, the return home begins. Oh, but how wonderful of a time I've had here with Teresa in London!

French Connection UK

2006-04-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

It's funny how little differences can make you laugh, not because they are really funny, but because of the difference in itself. For example, here in London they have a store called FCUK, which stands for French Connection UK. From an American standpoint that's quite funny because if you should switch the letters around just slightly you would have a bad word in American English. Everytime I see the sign for this store it makes me laugh! I'm sure, given enough time, that it wouldn't even phase me at all, but for now it's funny! So today I decided to take the opportunity to step inside the store and buy an item of clothing with that logo on it! Sure I'll have to be a bit careful of when and where I wear it, but it will always remind me of this trip.
Honestly, this trip has been absolutely incredible! From being with Teresa, to learning more history and exploring London as well as Ireland, to buying items with FCUK on them that make me laugh, to learning more about faith in the Lord, and walking in freedom in who God has created me to be.
I am so thankful....

Sticking out like a sore thumb

2006-04-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

Oh, how wonderful it was to sleep in today! I took some Tylenol Pm last night before bed as my legs were aching from the day of adventuring in Ireland, put in my ear plugs so as not to hear the traffic from the streets in the morning, and slept a long, long time! It was so wonderful!
The family that Teresa is working for and lives with is in Richmond, which is the posh area, the more happenin' side of town. So, there is a lot of people in this area walking, driving, exploring. It's kind of fun to be over here in this different environment. I told Teresa that with my American accent, I feel like a sore thumb, but that was ok 'cause that means that I can't be easily forgotten! :) Would you rather be like all those around you and blend into the crowds without a second thought by others, or would you like to be remembered? There can be benefits to standing out a bit, such as holding the attention of the audience around you...Though if my life isn't in line with the Lord, I'd rather not stand out.
We walked a couple blocks into the business area of town, went into a couple of shops, and then attended a evening church service at a protestant church. Being amongst family members, even if you have never met them, is such a sweet place to be! We have so much within the body because of our Lord Jesus! If he never rose from the dead what hope would we have?
Tomorrow, we are going to begin doing more touring around the main city of London, and learn about the history and culture. Hopefully we don't get drenched, but at least if we do we have a warm house, hot shower, and dry clothes to come home to!

Dublin Adventures

2006-04-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

Teresa and I just arrived back to London from Ireland a couple of hours ago. We had a great time, though we are glad to be back so that we can rest a bit before we explore more of London! :) We spent the last two days with our friends Dawn and Justin who are there on vacation as well! Good timing, huh?! So, Teresa and I had a free place to stay! Sweet! Praise God!
Yesterday we went out and explored the countryside, checking out ruins of churches, seeing the tombstones of saints, and learning more about the history of the saints and the church in Ireland. Then today, we went into Dublin after Justin got a good tour of the Dublin firehouse and we met the firemen, which was fun! Dawn has a hard time with languages, and prononcing the words correctly, so when Dawn would say a word correctly as they would say it there, he would correct her with the incorrect pronounciation of the word. All that to say that it was quite a riot to watch him give her a hard time! We spent a few hours on the crowded streets of Dublin, touring and learning about the history on a bus tour, and shopping in the big shopping section of town. I was good, and only came away with a couple of magnets for family members! :)
On the flight back to London, we came across a lady who has some mental issues(?), and perhaps even had some alcohol in her system(?). It provided quite some entertainment on the return trip for the passengers on the plane. She was very outspoken and inappropriate with some of the things she was saying and asking people. Most of the people were kind of making fun of her, but I felt kind of bad for her. I sat there trying to figure out what it was that had gotten her to this state. How do we know the lens people are looking through unless we walk in their shoes? The Lord loves us all, that's all I know.... He even loves me....
Though the trip was great, as I said before, I am glad to be back so that I can rest up for what adventures may come as we explore London this upcoming week!!

What the fancy?

2006-04-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

Teresa and I went for a nice walk yesterday afternoon in the sunshine. We had a really good time of connecting and also had a few laughs. She used an British phrase, saying something about "take your fancy". Problem is that I didn't hear what she said before the word fancy, so I asked "what the fancy?" as a serious question to ask her what she said. We were laughing all night about this, because it could be translated in another way, if you get my meaning. So now we have a new phrase! Another one, is when she was saying something about being born and bred, and I thought she was saying it went to bread...like in it went to pot, only in this case bread! Good times! Good laughs!
We're headed off to Ireland for a couple of days. That should be fun! I've wanted to go back there since the last time I was there six years ago, and now the opportunity is here! Woohoo! I can't even believe how much God is blessing this time here so far! The weather being incredible is just a side blessing! Being able to hang out with an incredible friend and share life together while traveling is so sweet!
Be home on the night of the 15th....

London Day 1

2006-04-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

The sky is clear and blue, and the sun is bright here in London...well, for today anyway!! Just thought you'd like to know! I arrived here a few hours ago, enjoyed a train ride and a mocha from Starbucks. Yep! They have them here, and boy did I need coffee!

To London with Love!

2006-03-28T23:44:00.000-08:00

One week from now I'll be waking up to the daylight at this time rather than heading to bed like I should be soon! London is after all, eight hours ahead! That's right, London! Woohoo!! I'm super stoked!! My wonderful, amazing friend Teresa is currently living over there, and I get to hang out with her!!! That's the best part!!! Secondary to that is the fact that I'll be in another country, checking out the sites, vacationing, and even going to Ireland for a couple of days of fun there too!!!
In the meantime, I'm staying busy with putting in extra hours at work so that I can pay for this trip, which hopefully won't make me sick if I don't get enough sleep! :) C'est la vie! However, I think everything will be fine! My one greatest prayer in this trip besides having a great adventure, is to love, encourage, and build up my sister Tree! We all need love, and if there is anything I can bring her worth bringing, it's love. All else will fade away....

Winter love

2006-03-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, my little sister was born with the gift of down syndrome. Now some may call that a mental disability, but it's also a blessing! Elissa has a life that is filled with a rare mixture of simple complexity. She is absolutely smart, and yet her mind is more simple as she lives with childlike faith. She is able to feel the full range of emotions, and find herself at peace with life. This, I find, is difficult to explain. Sometimes I too wish for that kind of life, but things are different for those who find that they are able to live in the chaos of everyday life, work, relationships to the fullest extent. At the same time as finding this life difficult in it's different seasons, I am grateful for all the ways in which it proves to provide an opportunity to learn and grow.
When I came back from my brief trip to Europe this last fall, one of my dear friends reminded me of how life is a process. I think that we, especially as Americans, want the end result now, or to take the quickest route to the final destination. However, in this last wintry season, God has been teaching me how great and important the process of getting where we are going is, even greater than the end result in many ways. It is there that we are shaped and molded into who we are to be, to become. We learn, we change, and we can make choices that will affect how the rest of our lives will turn out. Do we take the harder times and allow for them to root in bitterness and frustration, or do we give them over to the One who made us and cares deeper for us than we could ever know and allow Peace, Wisdom, and Life to become more abundant through and in our lives? I believe it is far more difficult to give our lives for the latter, though far more rewarding!
My parents have a large boxer named Sarge. He is the sweetest dog, but you know that if there was danger he would prove to be some good protection! Currently, I am at my parents house watching my little sister while my parents are out working in different forms...my mom at her job in the library, and my dad at his wood turning class/club. As I get up to fill my coffee cup, or go to another room in the house, Sarge follows me. And where I stop, there he stops too. He is lying on the floor of this room as I type. If it were possible he would be a lap dog, though he is far too large for that! Instead, he lives for love, to love, and for the touch of people. When you sit, he rests his head on your lap to remind you that he's there. I guess that's part of the reason why people love dogs so much. They are faithful and they love you pretty much no matter what. I liken that to God's love. God's love follows us around wherever we go, it is faithful and constant in our lives, and I believe we as humans really need that.
My cousin who lives in California sent along an e-mail to me that shared an illustration. The illustration was that of a $20 bill. Even if it has been crumpled up, stepped on, dirtied, it still holds its value and you still want it. That's how it is with God. He still loves us and values us no matter what life has brought us. Here is a bit of the message that he sent:
"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE."
That's why the processes of our lives are so important. It forms who we are, who we will become, what what or who we believe in. Let us be thankful for winter as one of the seasons that shapes us. Let us allow it to transform us more into the image of the One who is love!

Committed to Love

2006-02-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for the Love of the Lord! Today I am thankful for new experiences and chances to grow! Today I want to love the One to whom I am devoted to, the LORD.
There is a ring that I wear on my right ring finger. Not my left, that remains as it is in case some man should come into my life and commit to me for a life of serving the Lord together. The ring I do wear is one that has been sitting there for a couple of years now. It may sound cheesy to some, but I wear it because it has meaning to me. It reminds me of the One to whom I am devoted, the One I am committed to, the God to whom I give my life. So today, on this over-rated day of "love" that we call Valentines day, I want to make it known to whom I am devoted to, and I want to love God and love His people. Everyday should be Valentines day in that we should make our love to them known. But today, I am recommitting to Love.

Under the shadow of His wings

2006-02-09T14:31:00.000-08:00

Can I express to you how over I am of this whole stage of life?! I just get tired of the whole dating, wondering if this time it's going to work out, letting yourself be known and then having to make the break from that deal. I guess in a weird roundabout way it would be likened to the Israelites looking for the Messiah...is this him...? Close match, but not quite it. I'm ready for this process to be over. Perhaps it makes us stronger, perhaps we learn more. I'm just not sure how God intended for relationships to be in this day and age. We are supposed to love, to give of ourselves yet being wise in that, but if something goes haywire than you find yourself at a loss.
Through everything, I've been learning how much I do process through writing, or talking with someone. I always knew that the writing process always helped me to think more clearly, but I've been learning how much of a girl I am in needed to process through talking too. For some reason, knowing how I deal with things on my own a lot and need "my space" (not to be confused with myspace :), I guess I assumed that I didn't need people as much. Not true.
On another note, I was planning on going to Rwanda this summer, though it was unofficial, meaning not announced, but I think that I may back down. Two reasons: One I'm thinking about buying a house or condo in the very near future. Two, I need to continue to work on becoming more of who God intended me to be, work on the areas that need growth. Not that I couldn't go now and work through that process in this, but I think that to be the kind of leader that they want me to be, co-leading that group, I need to work on some things. Basically, I'm not sure if this is the right timing for going. I'll have to have a chat with Dan and Emmanuel later. It's hard and humbling to do so, but I know that I want to be like Christ, and need to strengthen my walk with Him even more so that the fruit that is produced reflects him even greater than I could do on my own. I just want the fragrance and love of Christ to be seen so brightly that I have to even wear a veil like Moses so that it is even approachable.
God has been speaking to me today in the midst of everything. While I was on the return route of my run, the sun was shining and as I looked over to a nearby wall, I saw the reflection of a bird flying overhead. God spoke to me at that moment and told me that he was hiding me in the shadow of his wings, his protection and care were over me. This brought great comfort! Then after my shower I was looking out my window into the backyard. Out looking for food in the ground were two small birds. Again God spoke to me. He reminded me of the passage where Jesus is talking about birds. He said, "They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!" Lk.12:24 God watches over us and takes great care of us. We have nothing to worry about for tomorrow we will find God walking with us once again, just as he is today, providing all that is needed for life and godliness!

Changes, Learning, and Trust.

2006-02-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

There is a huge possibility on the horizon of where God may take me. I am not at a place where I feel at liberty to speak of what exactly that looks like, but I am excited to see how God is leading! Stay tuned! There may be more coming soon! One word...Africa.
In about a month, our lease will be up and we'll be vacating our current residence and moving our separate directions. It has just worked out that I'll be really on my own at that point, meaning no roommates, at least not that I know of as of yet, but it's not a bad thing. The problem, if you want to call it that, is that I really don't know where I'm going to be living after the 15th of March...yet. You know what I've learned though, that on the mount of the Lord it will be provided. All that we need is found in Jesus, and He is amply supplied to meet all our needs. Now mind you, I don't always rest on that truth, but tend to worry. This time it's different. Maybe God has been gracious by deepening the roots of trust in me. That certainly is a process of learning to not try to take control myself or freaking out when there is no control. What does worrying get me anyway? So, it's good, and I'm excited to see what door opens up.
On another note, it turns out I'm worse at loving people than I thought. The realization is likened to that of stepping on a nail. It hurts deeply and makes me cry to know that I bum people out, especially when I thought that I was loving them. Even if I think I am doing the right thing and my motives are good, it may be that one of three things can happen. One, it is received well and is a blessing. Two, it is is received but it didn't make much of a difference. Or three, it is received in the complete opposite way that was intended and is offensive. Now I know that we are not in control of how the other party perceives things, or how they react. However, we are responsible for relying on the Spirit to lead us and to love through us. God calls us to love one another. It is a command pure and yet not always so simple. I hate it when a negative is the result of my efforts. One thing I am sure of though, is that God is able to make things right. For that I am grateful. The one thing I do desire is to know the Lord so intimately that I take on more and more of the character of Christ Jesus and reflect him in everything.

Changes

2006-01-26T09:28:00.000-08:00

So much changes in such a short time. Each day I wonder how it is that I've come to make the choices I've made, or how it is that another day has gone past yet tomorrow I will reap what I've sown. The Lord is very gracious to us.... Sometimes I feel like the prodigal son, or in this instance, the prodigal daughter. There are periods of time, chapters of my life so to speak, when I am faithful in walking with the Lord and what I receive is His peace and the awareness of His presence in the midst of all that is and has happened. Othertimes, I choose not to believe what God has told me and choose to live in such a way where destruction takes a hold of my life. Even during those times, I know God is there and would welcome me home. The problem comes when I look at my own dirty and ripped clothes and am ashamed to walk through that door.
This month has been one of living in the dirt, living in the pig pen, not believing God and choosing to go my own way. It's distraction has begun to break down parts of the beautiful creation of who God made me, intended me to be. The good news, God has welcomed me home and has abundant wealth to restore what was lost and even make it better!
As a representation of the change inward, there are a couple of changes outward. This was not intentional, but I realized that since we are connected in mind, in body, in soul, if one is affected all are affected, not only within the individual, but even within the realm of the body of Christ, or even those who don't know God. So it makes sense! Perhaps that is why I'm sick right now! I've been sick spiritually, and now it's coming out in not so attractive ways physically! But God is our healer! Some of those other outward changes I mentioned are a nose ring, or little gem rather, and red hair! Fun and different! My supervisor said jokingly to me, "You really are becoming a wild woman, aren't you?!" Yeah, in some ways I really have, for good and bad, let down my guard and lived in the freedom we have in our choices, but I want God to steer my life back in the right direction. I want Him to be in full control, with me in submission to Him. It is so much, much better that way!

Thankful for today.

2005-12-31T10:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning, I had the opportunity to see a man I really respect and who I haven't seen for a year. It was really good. Mostly, I just listened and laughed as he shared stories about life. I think that's one reason I really respect him. He's so honest and so passionate about following the Lord. He has run towards what God has put in front of him, and as continued onward even though the road isn't always easy to tread. After talking with him, I realized just how discouraged I've allowed myself to become about the dreams and passions I have heald for many years, and in many ways have begun to give up on them. Ryan said that he thinks that someday I will go, and I want to believe that is true. Maybe it's all just part of the process of making us more like Christ. When we are at the point of giving up, of letting go, we have to reexamine our lives and the situation we find ourselves in. What are we rooted in? Where does our faith stand? I believe all of this has been part of solidifying my faith in what is true even when everything seems so out of control. And perhaps it is also that God wants me to become trained as a nurse in preparation for the work he has before me, allowing for more doors to be opened to be Christ to others.
Today, I am thankful for the process. Today, I am thankful for friends and how God uses them. Today, I am thankful for another day to experience more of who Christ is, more of what is true and right. Today I bow my heart and knees to the One who deserves our all....

In Process....

2005-12-05T22:18:00.000-08:00

So, what now? Apparently Slovenia is not what God has for me right now, and seeing as going back to school was what I was intent on doing should this Slovenia thing not work out, why am I not seriously headed in that direction? I know I don't want to be doing the job I'm doing forever, but why am I just sitting here? I wish I could be more pinpointed in the direction I'm supposed to go. What I really want is to be married to a man who is strong in ministry who I can support. Apparently though, that isn't what God has for me right now either. So, shouldn't I be excited at the prospect of finding a new field of work? Where should I focus my attention? What is it that God is trying to teach me through this process?

Coming Home.

2005-11-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

You know I've been thinking...things, where we are in life, can be tough...to speak the obvious. As life comes to us as it does, I go back and forth in how well I'm doing. We all do. There are times where I do well, but then there are definite hard times where things seem so dark as I look up at the mountains that seem to overwhelmingly surround. This week I decided to start over with the "basics" of faith. Not try to theologize, interpret, go deep...you know the drill...but rather to just read and really listen as God tells the story, taking note of the details, but particularly really looking at the whole of the story. It's really refreshing, especially considering what I've been working through and talking with God about. God gave me a peace in my heart that I cannot explain with all that was going on, and just brought me home. I feel like a child just sitting next to her dad as he reads a story, an adventure story, a love story, a everything you ever wanted story all in one. Why is it so hard to come back to that spot? Perhaps we just are so used to climbing and looking at the work of doing so, and not just letting ourselves enjoy the trip. We work so hard in pressing forward, in theologizing, in ministering, and perhaps even loving doing so, but I think that that can sometimes be a hinderance to knowing how to return to just resting, listening, and enjoying the adventure without trying to make our lives be this picture of what we expect and want to be, even when it's honoring to God. Resting is honoring to God too...and I really needed to come home.
So, that's where things are here spiritually for me, and the rest of my life is ok too. Sarah (my sister) and Doug's wedding was beautiful.... Though, I have to say, I'm super stoked it's over! There was so much involved with getting things ready! Coming home from Europe was only the middle of the marathon! And the wedding was only one part of that marathon! But it's over, and things are relaxing a bit. Life, though still going it's normal pace, has given me a chance to slow down a bit this week...to just be.

Empowerment

2005-08-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

My old friend Liz got married a couple of days ago. Her and I have been through all the ups and downs of an intense friendship. She had asked me to be in her wedding, and I said "yes" but after thinking about it some, I wasn't exactly stoked. Perhaps it was tinted with a bit of confusion at what the Lord was doing, and probably, to be quite honest, a bit of jealousy. All I could do was get down on my knees and pray to God for His impowerment and His Spirit to be made known at the wedding, to be made known in me. The result was far greater than I could have ever imagined! The wedding was beautiful, and seemingly perfect for the most part, but what I couldn't believe was the change in me! It could only be God at work in me to make me filled with such joy and peace! It wasn't forced, it wasn't anything other than God, and for that I am so thankful...!

taking the back seat

2005-08-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

In about a month I'll be headed to Europe. It's hard to believe that this is coming to pass! I think what strikes me even more is how things are changing now before I even set foot over there! The plan was to meet with my good friend Teresa, spend some time in Italy, and then head up to Slovenia and the Czech Republic to check out Josiah Venture and the ministry that is going on over there. Now, Teresa may not be able to stay that long in Italy, and so we may miss each other entirely. The tickets I bought which I thought were refundable, are not, and if I wanted to change the dates of flights, it'd cost me some good $. That's ok though. It's never ever about us. It's about God. It's hard to sit back and watch God in the drivers seat taking us in ways we didn't expect. And not just sitting in the back, but sitting quietly and trustingly. We are people hungry for control, and yet we never really have it. We have to trust and believe. There is no other way. He is good all the time, and all His ways are filled with loving-kindness....

Only God knows

2005-06-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

It's funny how we over and over again plan and dream about what our future will be like, but it never comes as we expects, at least not in it's entirety. How do I even know what tomorrow will be like aside from a few scheduled things that are almost for sure will come to pass? The interactions with people, the things that play out and the way they play out, all are all unknown to the human. Only God knows...and we can trust in Him!
I wish I could say that my hope was always in the right place, but it's not. I wish I could say that I never feared, but always lived in His love and peace, but I don't. However, what I am confident of is the fact that since I am a child of God, He will be faithful to perfect those things that are off in me. When He changes us, and continues to faithfully do so over the years, it is a joy to our hearts, and a praise to His Name!

Unexpected

2005-05-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

Life is definitely an adventure! One minute you think you have an idea of the way things are going to work out, and then then next you remember that you have no real control over the events that take place. That's one reason why we should never place our hope in mankind, because it's not us who have control...but in every step God is there to point the way.
For example, I wouldn't have expected the issues that came up with welcoming a new roomate into the living situation. Part of the difference is that it is a male who is occupying the downstairs of the house that Laura and I live, and so we are learning how another thinks and works...kind of like learning a new culture.
In an ever changing world, knowing that we can't ever really know what will happen tomorrow, we know that we can place our trust in the God who loves us more than we will ever know.

Available....

2005-03-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

Once again, I find myself moving this year. This would make it the third time in about 10 months! That's ok though. I think God wants me to be able to adapt to all kinds of different situations, and flexible to wherever He would place me. The best thing about this particular move is that my roomate is coming with me!
Beyond just moving, in the last few years, the LORD has taken me all over the world as far as dreaming about living and doing mission work in those parts of the world. At this point, I'd go anywhere He would call me. And though I may have said that in the past, how much more willing He has made me now! I think God has a specific purpose in putting me in this spot. When we are available and willing, God can more readily use us for His glory and honor.
I also find that the older I get, the more content I am with just being me. I don't need people as much as I used to, or situations, or things to make me happy. God has given me joy and contentment. It's been a long road to get here. That's not to say that I don't struggle with that whole issue; I still do. The fact is that I'm ok with being me and being where God has put me. Why fight what we can't change? The only thing we have control over in our lives is our reactions and our attitudes. Even if we pray, God's will prevails. We may or may not receive what we've asked for, but God is far wiser and He is so good. He leads us as He sees fit.
May our hearts be available for His work, instead of fighting for what we think we need or want! May we fight for His glory in this world by loving those we come in contact with and being content here and now, available for where He would move us! And may we seek His face and honor Him as He transforms us and uses us foar His glory!

getting from here to there...

2005-02-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

What does it take for me to get from point A to point B? I'm serious. This seems a silly question, but not for me. You see, I tend to be more of a dreamer. I have great ideas about things, but to get beyond "go" isn't always easy for me. Maybe it's because I allow fear to hold me back. Maybe I don't believe these things can really become a reality...at least by my own strength. That is true to a certain extent, for when we try to do things on our own outside of God, we have a tendancy to fall flat on our faces. Even still, it seems like some people have this natural tendancy to rise up as leader and make things happen. That's not my gifting I guess, though maybe it's an area that God wants me to grow in. I know God's Spirit lives in me to, and it's not like He is unable to use me. It's just that perhaps it is in a different means than we tend to place high up as far as imortance go. If we don't have the balance of having those people behind the scenes, it wouldn't work either. That's how I know that God's design is so good. How can we complain when the way He created it to be is so that it would work? He thought of all of it, of the well-rounded, balanced body of Christ.
With those thoughts in mind, I know that if God ever chooses to bless me with a husband, that man will probably be a good leader, because I'm not. I do great at following, and ideas, and all the detail work, but going from here to there is the hardest part for me. Lord have grace on me! Use me in a way that would honor You! I love you....

Unique!

2005-02-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

Today I was reminded of how we were created uniquely. A duck may be a great swimmer, but it doesn't mean he'd be more than adverage at running or flying. A rabbit was given great ability to run, but swimming to him would perhaps prove to be too hard, and he would in fact find the water to overwhelm him. My point? God created each of as individual as we are to perform a specific task or duty, to be who we are before Him, for His glory. Does not His Word say that we were created by Him and for Him? Whether we live or die it is all for Him! What an honor! If we are so uniquely created, that means that we are something beautiful in who we are for we came from the Hands of our Maker who lovingly formed us exactly the way He wanted us to be! May we be found to be living in the skin we were given, rejoicing in who we are because of God, and who He transforms us to be in His presence!

2005-02-17T10:54:00.000-08:00

Canada in style!

God's heart in me.

2005-02-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a little girl, the nations have been a part of my heart. How is that? God loves the nations, and when we become His, He places His Spirit in our hearts and makes us new. When we have God in us, He gives us His heart. God loves the nations, and has put on my heart a desire to love the nations that have never heard the good news about what Jesus has done.
Perhaps one day He will send me out as it has been my desire. I think that day is coming fairly soon. Until then, He has given me work to do here in Portland, for which I am incredibly thankful. He loves the people in the United States the same as He loves those of the world. God moves and directs us according to His will, and for His glory. Let us make the most of ever opportunity!
This week is mission conference week at Multnomah. Three speakers from other countries have come here to Portland to share of what God is doing around the world and in the countries where they serve. One is a man from the Philippines who was saved through a missionary coming to their village where their fathers were head hunters to share about Jesus. He now works with Wycliffe. The second is a lady from Australia who has been working in Jordan for the last 40-50 years. The last is a man from Angola Africa who now works with SIM. Both the man from the Philippines and the man from Africa have English as their forth language! The theme of the mission conference was "Let the Nations be Heard"! What a joy it is to hear them speak!
God wants us to be courageous, to be all that He has called us to be, surrendering to His will. That is my desire! What joy is found in being in Christ, and being used by Him...wherever that might be! My heart is to be like these men and women, these brothers and sisters around the world, who love with God's love those they come in contact with! I want to know more than one language and share Christ by being a part of another culture. My heart is also to see the following generations of young people be genereations that seek His face. May it be so! Whatever the case may be, may God be honored!