Tears. Tears are good.

Tonight I cried. The emotions are still somewhat fresh, and prompted I probably could cry pretty easily now also. So what happened? Good question.
In a previous post I wrote about joking with the balance of wisdom in the midst of it. Often we play off each other at work, though it is also easy to get carried away with it. There was an inside joke going on that all but one, maybe two people understood that were present tonight. The one that didn't understand also has other underlying issues going on that I won't go into here as it's not my place to share. As a few of us were joking with another co-worker tonight, there was one that got very upset and we had to have a discussion, a group of us with the supervisor, one irate at the rest of us.
Usually my emotions are in check, especially with the medication I take to help balance me out, but tonight after it was over I just couldn't hold in the tears. I had to leave the department. None of what happened tonight was the real reason for her anger and frustration, but her misunderstanding and our lack of wisdom perhaps set it off. She said some low, mean things to us, to me. It hurt, one, to be brought in to this whole mess and then two, to be told that even though we're (I'm) supposedly "educated", (which I do have a degree, but that doesn't mean I know everything or cease to be human) are acting this way, in a way that only (apparently) uneducated people act. Mostly it hurt because though it is "her" issue, it's mine as well. No, I can not be responsible for how another person responds or reacts, but I can be above reproach, Lord willing, in my actions. It hurts to know I added to a fire even though it wasn't meant.
People all around us look through different lenses. It's easy to get caught up in our own vision of things, but there are different ways of looking and approaching things, approaching life.
So, a bit afterwards I went to take my last break for the day. In the break room was the one I wasn't yet ready to see after crying. So, I grabbed my things from the break room, and went to my locker. There I sat on the bench and said, "God, what do I do? I'm not ready to face her yet, but I just don't know what to do." You know what God told me? He told me, "Go talk with her". I didn't think I was ready, but went anyway because God is wise, not me. Back in that break room, I sat across from her and said, "I'm sorry for offending you." or said something to that affect, but though I thought I could be strong, I broke down again. We talked, and I think God was able to restore what was broken. She cried too and embraced me, which was priceless. The others were still upset, and now I'm in the middle between the parties, but the tears were good. Why? Tears were good because humility is good, and I want to be broken so that I can be filled with God alone who makes our lives complete. Tears are good, because if we allow them, they can change us into better, wiser people. Tears are good, because the Lord can use them to bring reconciliation.
I can't make the things in the one we upsets heart and mind to be where it should be, and to grow in this. However, I can change so that I can be Christ, or reflect Christ to her too. Even if I didn't do anything necessarily "wrong", I still can be conformed more into the image of God and therefore, with God's grace, reflect Him ever more.
Author Anne Lamott said this:
"The thing about light is that is really isn't yours; it's what you gather and shine back. And it gets more power from reflectiveness; if you sit still and take it in, it fills your cup, and then you can give it off yourself."

That's exactly it! The thing is that if I want to reflect Christ I need to be in His presence, because "it's what you gather and shine back". He is light, and in Him is found no darkness. I want to reflect light, His light!

Erika and I had a great time hiking Multnomah Falls today! There were many with like minds who thought to go out on this beautiful day, but it didn't put a damper on enjoying God's creation as well as enjoying each others company. It was absolutely beautiful out there!
What a a great day!

Multnomah Falls

Exciting times!

My good friend Teresa is in town this week for her brother's wedding. There was a little get together last night at Acapulco, a Mexican restaurant, in which I got to hang out with Tree again. It was great that I got to sit next to her even coming late after I got off work, 'cause that meant more opportunities to really hang out with her, even have a conversation, which in group settings isn't always possible. We laughed and had a lot of fun!
Teresa and I were roommates a few years back. In fact, a lot of the people at the gathering were former roommates of Teresa from one time or another. Across from us sat another girl who moved into the apartment with Teresa and I while I was still there. Jessica said to us some thing along the lines of, "This is great! I haven't seen you guys together in a long time! Nothing's changed!" Well, that isn't entirely true. We've both changed a lot over the years, but whenever we get together it is though time and distance haven't separated us at all. It is so great to have friends like that! I am so thankful for Teresa and her faithful friendship all these years!
On another note, recently I got a new camera. It's a Canon Rebel XT. It's incredible! As I was sitting here writing, a few of the pictures that I ordered online from my camera came to the door. They are really great!! I can't even believe how good they are!! I had two pictures enlarged. One was of my dad and I from work last week, the one I posted for Father's Day on this blog. The other was of that flower that is also posted in an earlier blog. The flower is TINY, but even with the enlarged picture, the quality is great! I'm so excited! :) Yay!

Happy Father's Day!

I LOVE YOU DAD!!!!!

Food for Thought.

"I have never met the man I could despair of
after discerning what lies in me apart from the grace of God." -O.C.

Cutest little sister ever!

Chirp!

This little bird was stuck in the ladies bathroom in Ireland. He was where he wasn't supposed to be. Meant to be outside flying, he found himself restrained by a building made by humans.
This morning at 3 am, "chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp" was heard outside my window. A couple of minutes later, "chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp." And again, "chirp, chirp, chirp". The bird must have found reason to sing, though an odd hour it was. The darkness of night still covered Portland.
One thing I've noted over the years is that as soon as the sun goes down, the birds cease their songs for the night, but the moment the light appears again in the morning, so too they begin on their day. Night is not the normal time for birds to be singing. So, I found this a bit intriguing that the birds would be singing at this odd hour, and so listened to them for a while.
In the last couple of years, I have really come to love the verse that talks about God's care and about worry, showing the birds as an example of God's provision and love.
Matthew 6:26 says this:
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? "
Luke 12:24 says the same thing, only instead of asking a rhetorical question, it states it with an exclamation. It says, "And how much more valuable you are than birds!"
As the birds chirped their song in the early am, I remembered two things. One, how they are inclined to sing with the light, and two, how they are examples of God's love, care, and provision.
When we look to God, we find He is light and is surrounded by light. No darkness is found in him, or near Him. When we see Him in the greatness of who He is we too, like the birds can't help but sing, sing songs of praises to the God who created us, loves us, saved us, and brought us into a right relationship with Him, for HIS honor and glory, which is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing!
God, even in the greatness of who He is, takes care of the little things, even the mortal which are here today gone tomorrow. As He cares for the birds, He cares for us. We are so much more valuable than birds, so we can rest in the fact that God will take care of all our needs, that He loves us, and we have nothing to worry about. Who of us by worrying can add a single hour to his life anyway?
So, let us sing out songs of thanks and praise to the one who is worthy...even at an hour where it seems out of place, as it never is so as we see God in the light of who He really is! He is the great
"I AM".

He makes all things beautiful in its time.

Soaking in his love.

One of my favorite songs is Always by Hillsong United. In it there is a line that says (in speaking to God), "Can I feel you in the rain?" As I listened to this song this morning, instantly an image came to mind from six years ago in July.
On that day in Paris, the rain started coming down in the middle of the afternoon. It was one of those storms where the sky suddenly is dark and the water is falling around you so hard and so fast that you can't see more than a few feet ahead. I got really excited about the downpour, and went running down the street, getting more and more soaked with each step. It was absolutely marvelous! However, after running about a block I stopped. It was as though God was saying to me in an audible voice in that moment, "I am showering down my love on you," letting me get drenched in it. I looked up in the sky with the rain running down my face and was amazed and awed.
I've never forgotten that moment. Even with the dark seasons that were to face me ahead, the message that God gave to me that day helped me to walk forward knowing that His love was there to guide me even when I felt completely lost and alone.
We can experience him in all of life, in the sunshine, in the rain, in the darkness, in the light. We can never go where He cannot find us. He is with us always, showering down his love in an outpouring of his heart and the greatness of who He is.


This is a copy of the lyrics to the song that was mentioned at the beginning:

Always
Hillsong United

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked
With my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

Chorus:
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You
Capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives
To glorify one name?

Tree!

This is a picture of an incredible woman, Teresa, and I on the last day I was in Richmond (London). She is my favorite Teresa in the whole world!!!
Today, we got to chat for a while, and it was refreshing to connect with her. I just want everyone to know how wonderful she is and how much I love this sister of mine!

Stretch!

Seems to me that even when I know what I'm asking God to do in my life, and know what that can mean, when it actually happens I am thrown off balance.
Here's what happened: I asked God to stretch me and grow me, specifically in the area of trust because I know that there is room for growth there. So, what happens? Exactly that! Being fully aware of the "consequences" of what I was asking God, I asked him anyway. In the end I'm sure I'll be stoked, but right now it makes me wonder how I'm going to make through this stretching in one piece. It kind of hurts a bit. So, now I'm asking God for more joy in this process. Somehow, I know he'll provide that too. He gives his peace, and as we learn to let him take control instead of letting ourselves worry, that peace is experienced more in full in our humanity.